Grains of Sand

Quick Like a Bunny
January 9, 2009, 1:56 pm
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Really quick update before I have to go and babysit the gorgeous Rianna for 5 hours followed by more studying/revising….

It was not the visa at the post office.

It wasn’t a sad day, because, quite frankly, I was pissed…only because it was a letter from Claire’s…only because it was the exact copy of what they sent me in the normal, non-signature required post. Sigh. Oh well….oh, and ps. I lost my job at Claire’s…but it’s ok – I’ll talk about that later – but they couldn’t hold my job any longer whilst I’m waiting for my visa and feeling like Tom Hanks in The Terminal….Oh well, it’ll be ok. 🙂


Here We Go Again…
January 4, 2009, 9:51 pm
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Well folks, this is is, we’re here at the crossroads, everything we’ve been praying about since before Halloween is about to culminate…I think….

Saturday I picked up my post at the Bible College – I use their address for my important things, because they’re more permanant of an address here than I have at the moment, anyhoo – I got the lovely – ‘we want money for your student loans’ papers – so i need to call those lovely people and say, ‘no, i give you no money – i be’s in school, still learning – and the proof is on its way to your office’ but that’s ok – and I got a note from the Royal Mail, saying that they tried to deliver something that needs to be signed for but no one was there (b/c classes are not in session so staff is on holiday), and it can be picked up in Belfast –

So, I am going tomorrow morning to pick up whatever it is that they have for me.  I’m pretty sure it’s my passport/visa, although that brings on varied emotions……I, of course, want it approved, and then I can go back to work, and get money again to pay bills and continue school and everything is hunky dory…but there’s also a chance that it’s denied…..

This means one of 2 things – well, if it’s denied, then I need to get out of the country asap, back to the States, that’s just the way it is, there’s nothing I can legally do about it.  However, here’s where the path divides again…if it is denied, I will go home, and reapply for a new student visa – it means I will be missing my exams, which sucks, but I can resit them in March, Praise the Lord that classes don’t start until February….As soon as I get home, I send off my visa application and hopefully that gets approved – and maybe my bro can fanagle me a job again whilst I wait, if not, if it’s not approved…..I don’t know.  I don’t know if I’ll continue my fight to stay in the UK or if I’ll just pack it up and finish my degree in the states. I don’t know…

I do know that whatever happens, is happening for a reason.  The Lord knows what I want to happen, but maybe it’s not His will, or in His timing – and that’s the hard part to understand or at least accept.  Soooo, hopefully, I remember this, and keep a prayerful mindset – because, no matter what, God is right alongside me, and…


Goodbye 2008…a rambling rant
December 31, 2008, 3:46 pm
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This is the last blog of 2008 – not an impressive one or really anything that needs to be said and on and on… but that being said, we’ve seen a lot this year – in the media, in the news, in the world, in our own personal lives.  Celebrities have continued to be train wrecks and wonderful people – sometimes at the same time (we’ll talk more about that later), there have been wars and deaths, and famine continues; America has elected the first black President – and that is a huge step to a better future – let’s just get this out here, and I know my family hates me to admit – but I am a conservative, Republican Christian……but not the stereotype……and that being said, I am so freaking excited to see the change that Obama is going to bring!  I see the potential for hope, change and many great things – I am in love with this picture, which I think, was candid:obamaThis is something that makes me smile on the inside and out.

This year, for me, personally has been awesome and horrible.  I fought so desperately to get back to my 2nd semester of the Biblical Certificate, which was great in that moment.  But, the classes were just crap, and my own spiritual journey became like stagnet water, the kind with mosquitoes, entirely my own fault, but it is what it is.  The only exception is that I did a DVD project for one of my classes and got a rediculously impossible-high mark/grade for it and the teacher loved it so much (it was a self-esteem DVD for Christian girls), that he took it home to show his wife and daughter and then told me I should do something like that professionally – so that’s my new path…that was good.

Then the semester ended with one freaking awful thing after another – the Dibocles did not cease for me.  It felt like everyone and everything was against me – My life had turned upside down – My Grandma died in a stupid accident and it was so unexepected and shocking and I hate that it happened – but it did.  Then my Dad was diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancer and chemo or radiation wasn’t enough – so they had to do both at the same time.  All of this has been happening whilst friendships are changing left and right and many unexpected things have come from that or are because of that and vice versa and so on….and on top of it all, I’m stuck without a passport – it was lovely to spend Christmas here and I am so greatful for the hospitality and love shown to me – but I needed to see Grandpa and Dad for my own peace of mind…..sigh.   This year, has been wonderful. Until summer.  Then it was downhill until about a month ago – I felt like everyone was leaving me either physically, emotionally, or whatever…even God…and when you don’t feel you have God near you anymore, it’s like living in your own personal hell.  Like every breath is an eternity, painful, and you wish it would change or at least stop hurting so much – You sleep all the time because it’s the only time that you aren’t forced to think, to feel, it’s the safest time, and even then it’s not always safe because there are dreams.

Wow. This is long and emo.  But, it needs to be said.  I can’t sum up 2008 without mentioning it all.  But that being said – the only thing that I was able to cling on to was hope. and this is the thought that I leave you and 2008 with. HOPE. It’s something that is always there, whether we feel it or not.  We have hope in Jesus. We have hope BECAUSE of Jesus, and that is a beautiful thing to cling on to.  No matter how far we feel from Him, He’s still there.  The pastor of the church that I go to when I’m in Endicott had a fab qoute and he said that God would rather hold us through a temper tantrum than have us not communicate with Him…..I’ll probably talk more about that later too.  So that’s what I leave you with. Hope. Learn it, live it, let it become a huge part of your life – if nothing else – Hope. ok. The End.

ps. I love this picture and I hope you let it sit with you and love it too. 🙂


Love you all,

Valerie xoxo

What’s A Peanut Gallery Anyway?
December 30, 2008, 1:59 am
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ok, so I have a few blog ideas that I’m working on at the moment – I take a long time to write them and do it on the computer first so I can spell check and whatnot – unless it’s something like this…..anyway…….

In the meantime, leave me a comment if theres something that you want me to write about or want my opinion on, etc… can be silly or serious, deep as a puddle or an ocean – anything at all really……yup, that’s it. I’ll put a real blog on here soon.



I’m glad God doesn’t have a facebook
December 27, 2008, 6:03 pm
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So, I have come to the conclusion, yet again, that I need to be stirred, to be shaken, in my faith.  I am not asking to be tested again, as I am still recovering from the last time, but we can so oftentimes get busy…What a silly little word that holds so much power over us…I get too busy, too stressed, too tired…..and neglect the things that are most important to me.  I’ve heard people joke about how much easier it would be if God had a facebook – then we would spend a lot more time with Him.
How sad, and true this idea is for so many of us.  I can come up with a million excuses – I’m tired, I’m sick, I’m on holiday…..this is all crap when you think of it – but how often do we think of it?

So, here’s the sad reality that snapped me out of it this time – and I don’t know who or how many read this, but it’s the power of the anonymous internet that lets me be honest with you all….I had iTunes open and was playing a mac-knock-off of PacMan and was too distracted to skip past the worship song (Light the Fire Again…How appropriate, right?) like I so often do – and as I let it play on in the background, I felt my heart stir up again and I wanted to badly to go and just talk about God to everyone – but they’re in bed seeming as it’s well, funny enough, 11:11pm. And so I lay here and write this instead.


This is my cry at the moment – I just don’t know what to do with this passion – Well, I have my dreams, but I have no idea how they’re going to actually pan out – I just want to be out there, being passionate right now – in this moment, not tomorrow, not next week, or in 3-5 years, depending on If I do a Masters.


Well, all that being said, I am going to be blogging on here a lot more often than I have been doing – I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions – but if I did, I guess that this would be one.

The most creative title in the world: Post Number 1.
December 3, 2008, 9:11 pm
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4 simple words…or a command from the creator of the universe?  What the heck does love look like? How am I expected to love everyone? Do I have to love everyone? …but what about so and so who did this to me – certainly I don’t need to or have to love them….right?

*sigh* It’s something that seems so simple, but in practice, can be so flippin hard to do.

God’s given me a decree. (Is that even the right word to use here?  I’m not too sure, but I’m gonna go with it anyway).  It was that small, still, quiet voice – when I truly threw my hands up in the air and asked my Heavenly Father just what the heck I was supposed to do here anyway – the answer was so simple, yet divinely complex.


That was it.  No fireworks or flashy parades.  Just love.  It sometimes seems like this is the easy way out – and then you try to actually and honestly put it into practice.  My job here is to love and for the first time in what seems like forever, I am actually ready to take this on again.  Now, that being said, I am human and I am flawed and fallen and bruised and broken and this shapes what I do and how I think and so on.  But nonetheless, whatever I may be doing with my life, wherever I am, whomever is alongside, I am to love. 

I want every single person that I come across to leave feeling loved, even if it was just for a moment.  This can be in the form of a kind word, simple gesture, a please and thank you, I don’t know – just love.  Just love them.

No matter what I do with my life – whether I actually start my own ministry, become a missionary, a pastor’s wife, a mum, a camel trainer – no matter what I do – I am first and foremost called to love and everything else will fall into place.  I want to do that so badly, I want to be Jesus’ hands and feet on the Earth.

It’s something that is so near and dear to my heart, something that seems so wonderful but knowing that this is what I am called to do is also costly – I mean, I just had the thought that if this is what I am supposed to do – and it’s a pretty big deal – the devil is going to be pissed – and he’s going to try to stop it, try to stop me. But no matter how I feel, I need to remember to retreat back to the Lord, my refuge and my strength, not daily, not hourly, but every moment of my life.

Well, there you have folks. My first blog. Simple and honest. And that’s what I strive for this to be – a place where I can pour a little bit of my heart out……the end.

Hello world!
July 26, 2008, 10:46 pm
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Welcome to This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!